


H. 18 (Petals and Tears)

by unloyalstan



Series: Junhwan Random Ficlets [4]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-12 12:21:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12959079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unloyalstan/pseuds/unloyalstan
Summary: Flowers used to be so beautiful, until it made him realize that he’s unloved.





	H. 18 (Petals and Tears)

Jinhwan crushed the petals on his hand. A few days from now, Junhoe will receive a very special gift.

 

-

Jinhwan doesn't get enough sleep for the past month. Even if he tried to sleep early, his body would always manage to wake him up in the middle of the night, chest heaving up and down, forcing his coughs down until he was safely locked inside their bathroom, afraid of waking Junhoe who was peacefully sleeping beside him. He would then spend a couple of hours inside, clutching on his shirt, and hands pounding on his chest when it became too much. Sometimes he would cry, muffled sobs echoing in their quiet apartment, and sometimes he would just stare listlessly at the mess on their once clean floor, mind having blanked out from the pain.

When he was done, or when sunlights started to seep through their curtains, he would force himself to stand up from his slumped position, wash his face for a couple of times, then he would check his appearance on the mirror to make sure that he doesn’t look like he’s ready to pass out any minute, before going outside. This became his routine for the past month, and today was not an exception.

 

It was already 5:30 am when Jinhwan went out from their bathroom. He was still dizzy from the intense coughing fit earlier, but Junhoe needed to go to work at 8:00 am, so he needed to iron his clothes and prepare their breakfast. Junhoe was a heavy sleeper, but Jinhwan still went to their bedroom to check if he was still asleep. Junhoe has his back against the door, and Jinhwan went on his side and sat on the floor to gaze at his sleeping lover. He still have a few minutes to spare, so Jinhwan let his eyes wander freely on his lover's features that never failed to fascinate him. Jinhwan unconsciously brought his hand up, intent on caressing the face of the person whom he adored so much, but a phone vibrating on their nightstand interrupted him from doing so. Jinhwan pulled himself up again to get his phone, but it wasn't his that was vibrating. Junhoe's screen was blinking repeatedly, and it stopped before he even got the chance to get it. Jinhwan shrugged, and just let it be because he knew how much the younger hated it whenever someone touches his phone.

He was dusting his pajamas, ready to leave the room so he could start preparing their breakfast, when Junhoe's phone began to vibrate again, signalling that a new message came. Jinhwan grabbed the phone this time, curious on who will contact his lover so early in the morning. It might be an emergency from his work, and with that in mind, he opened Junhoe's phone.

 

Jinhwan just started ironing Junhoe's work clothes when Junhoe came out of their bedroom, hair sticking out on a thousand directions. Jinhwan greeted him as bright as he can, grimacing slightly when it came out hoarse instead. Junhoe mumbled back a 'good morning' in return, not noticing anything. Jinhwan smiled wider, happy that he got a reply instead of the usual grunts and nods that he received quite often.

By the time the clock striked 7:00 am, Junhoe was ready to go. His office was not that far from their place, but Junhoe reasoned that he wanted to always arrive early. Jinhwan already bade him goodbye, and he was in the middle of cleaning their table when he remembered something. He ran to the front door, and was glad that Junhoe was still on the process of putting his shoes on.

"Please come home at 8 pm today!" Jinhwan ignored the pounding of his head from moving too fast. He reached out to the shoe rack to steady him just in case. However, Junhoe ignored him as he continued. "I will prepare something special for today so please be home earlier."

Jinhwan was anxiously waiting for Junhoe to finish his ministrations, but when he was done, Junhoe just grabbed his suitcase before turning his back on him, and began to head towards their door. His smile faltered when Junhoe twisted the doorknob open. "Junhoe?"

"You left the bed again tonight. You're coughing so much. Go to the doctor and have a check-up. You look pale."

Jinhwan remained motionless, surprised by the answer. He doesn't know that Junhoe knew. Jinhwan dropped his eyes on the floor, as he clenched and unclenched his fists. Junhoe wasn't supposed to know about it. He tried to be quiet every time he leaves the bed, so how could he know?

"I'll try." A whisper broke him out of his reverie, but Junhoe was already out of the door.

Jinhwan was once again left inside their huge apartment.

 

There's still half an hour left before 8 but Jinhwan was already done preparing. He cooked Junhoe's favorite dishes and set up a candle light dinner for the both of them. Flowers could complete the romantic set-up, but just by looking at it makes him feel sick. He already triple checked everything to make sure that things will go smoothly tonight. After all, Jinhwan prepared a special present for Junhoe.

 

Jinhwan checked his phone for any replies or missed calls from Junhoe but there were none. He doesn't want to come off as annoying by reminding him again, so instead, he just used the remaining time on grooming himself. His coughing fits were usually tame during daytime, and fortunately not too intense as to halt him from the preparations earlier that definitely worn him out. He applied a bit of concealer and BB cream to hide the dark circles under his eyes, and applied some lip balm on his lips so it won't appear chapped anymore. He chose to wear Junhoe's gift for him last Christmas--a simple designer sweater paired with the jeans that he used to wear before. Jinhwan looked at himself in front of the mirror, and tried to practice his smile for later. He still looks pale and sickly, but as of the moment it's the best that he can do.

Jinhwan checked the time and there's only 5 minutes left. He carefully sat himself on one of the chairs after lighting up the candles.  

 

He was waiting patiently, when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He excitedly checked the message, hoping that it’s from Junhoe, only to be left disappointed when it’s from Hanbin instead. Jinhwan frowned after reading the same message that he received quite often, typing a quick reply before putting it back on his pocket again. Jinhwan already promised Hanbin, so for tonight, it’s just him and Junhoe, and he doesn’t want to be disturbed by anyone.

 

It’s almost 9 30 pm but Jinhwan was still alone. The food that he worked hard to prepare was cold, and if he didn’t blow the candle earlier, it will just be reduced to wax now. Jinhwan was tired, hungry, sleepy, and he honestly doesn’t have the strength to go to the sink anymore whenever he coughed. Even if Junhoe saw it, he would just brush it off anyway. It’s late, and his chest is beginning to hurt again, but Junhoe told him that he’ll try to come home today so he’s going to wait. He’s been checking his phone for any messages or missed calls from Junhoe, but everytime he looked and saw that there’s none aside from Hanbin’s, he withers.

 

It’s 10 pm when Jinhwan began to experience another coughing fit. He ran towards their bathroom, stumbling on his weak legs along the way. Jinhwan pounded his chest, shaking uncontrollably on their bathroom floor while trying to somehow alleviate the pain he’s feeling. Tears were also starting to form at the corner of his eyes, and his hands turned white from gripping the toilet lid hard. The thought of contacting Hanbin passed his mind, but he immediately dismissed it. His throat hurts from coughing and throwing up so much-- everything hurts. This continued for more than 30 minutes, until it finally stopped. He wiped his mouth, and flushed the toilet thrice. Jinhwan then rested his head against the bathroom wall as tears continued to stream down his weary face. Adding the exhaustion from doing a lot of work earlier, he’s truly drained.

Jinhwan fell asleep inside their bathroom with his phone in hand. Still no messages from Junhoe.

 

Jinhwan woke up with his face nuzzled on Junhoe’s chest. He tried to move, and that’s when he realized that Junhoe was lifting him, and they were heading towards the direction of their bedroom. Remembering his prepapred dinner, Jinhwan tried to stop him.

“Junhoe,”  he rasped, throat still raw from coughing. “Put me down. I prepared your favorite dishes.”

Junhoe ignored him in favor of opening their bedroom door. Jinhwan fidgeted against his hold, but Junhoe only tightened his grip on him. He was gently placed on their bed, and Junhoe was about to cover him with a blanket when Jinhwan grabbed his hand.

“Junhoe, let’s eat.” Junhoe stared at his hand, before turning to look at him. “Please?” Jinhwan squeezed his hand lightly when Junhoe remained quiet.

The silence continued for a minute, before a small _‘fine’_ escaped Junhoe’s lips.

Jinhwan smiled his first real smile at his answer. He removed the blanket on him, and was surprised when an arm wrapped around him to support him as he stood up. Jinhwan blushed at the close proximity.

“I could walk now. Thank you.” Junhoe still looked hesitant but he removed his arm anyway. Jinhwan instantly missed the warmth. He walked slowly, fully aware of the pair of  eyes that was watching him.

“I’ll follow you after I change my clothes.”

“No, keep that on. You look handsome on your suit.” Jinhwan has his back turned, missing how Junhoe’s expression softened after.

 

“Sit.” Junhoe insisted on assisting him on the short walk to their dining area when Jinhwan stumbled on an imaginary object at the floor. Junhoe pulled the chair backwards and made him sit despite his weak protests.

“What? No, I’ll reheat the food.”

“I’ll do it. Just sit.” Junhoe just had to place a hand on Jinhwan’s shoulder to do the trick.

 

Jinhwan followed Junhoe in their kitchen when he became bored from being left alone. He watched him with a fond smile, remembering the times when they first moved in together and Junhoe can’t do anything aside from cooking ramyeon (it’s not even that good; there’s too much water and the noodles were soggy, but Junhoe looks so proud after cooking it so Jinhwan just let him be). Now, Junhoe has come a long way and could now help him prepare their food. Amidst him reminiscing, he suddenly coughed, not strong enough to knock him off his feet, but loud enough for Junhoe to hear.

“I told you to just sit. Why are you here?”

Jinhwan covered his mouth, immediately conscious of everything. He quickly looked down, and was glad that there was nothing.

“Did you went to the Doctor today?” Jinhwan with his hands still on his mouth, shook his head. Junhoe sighed, but didn’t press further.

“Go back to the dining area. I will be done in a minute.”

 

They finished eating at around 11:30 pm. Despite not eating anything earlier, Jinhwan can’t eat a lot. He tried to make small conversations with Junhoe, asking about his day and work, but it became clear that he was not in the mood to talk based on his half-hearted answers. Jinhwan wasn’t going to let his day end just like this. He still hasn’t given his gift to Junhoe yet.

“Sunbin is back isn’t she?” At the corner of his eyes, Junhoe turned rigid. Jinhwan tried to act nonchalant while clearing their plates.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He gave the plates to Junhoe who was clearly avoiding his eyes. Jinhwan’s heart ached. Junhoe who left to put the plates on the sink without a word, was surely taking his time. When he finally came back, Jinhwan motioned for him to sit back on his chair.

“It’s already late. We need to clean this up.”

“Sit, I have something to tell you.” Jinhwan sat on his chair, while Junhoe remained standing. He clenched his fist, feeling the ache on his chest again. He closed his eyes for a bit, willing the pain to go away.

“Can’t it wait ‘til morning?”

“It’s always her right?” When Jinhwan opened his eyes, Junhoe looked taken aback, which only confirmed his assumptions.

“What are you talki--”

“Sit.” Junhoe looked conflicted for a while before sitting on his chair. He looked like he was about to say something, so Jinhwan beats him to it.

“I’m sorry.” Jinhwan tried to form a smile, but the corners of lips were shaking. Junhoe looked more confused. “I’m sorry you are forced to be with me for the past 3 years.”

“What?”

“I thought that you’ll learn to love me as time passes by, but you didn’t right?” Jinhwan laughed, hollow and despondent, like it’s some cruel joke on him. “In the end, it’s me who became the fool.” Junhoe has his brows furrowed in the center, but he’s still not saying anything. Jinhwan thought it’s better like this-- he’s afraid Junhoe’s words could sway him easily.

“Even after all these years, it’s always her. No matter what I do, I can’t replace her in your heart.”

“Why are you saying that? Of course I lo--”

“Stop lying. Why can’t you be more honest with yourself?” At that, it effectively shut whatever reason Junhoe still has. He doesn’t want to hear him lie.

The silence was back, and Jinhwan thought that this was how they would really end. He checked his watch, and there’s still a few minutes left before 12am. He stood up and went to get something on the kitchen. When he came back, he stood in front of Junhoe, and place something on the table.

“It’s congee. Sunbin is sick right?” Junhoe was looking down on the container, face unreadable, so he continued. “Sorry I read and deleted her message this morning” Jinhwan’s voice was starting to waver. “I made this for her. You might have to reheat it because it’s cold, but you now know how right? I taught you well.” He lifted his hand to pet Junhoe’s hair like how he usually did before, but when Junhoe flinched, the ache on Jinhwan’s chest grew stronger.

Jinhwan gathered all the remaining courage that he has. He breathed in and out slowly, steadying himself on what he’s about to do. He removed the ring that was on his left hand with a shaking hand--the one that they chose on their first anniversary, before gently grabbing Junhoe’s hands to place the ring on his open palm.

“This is my gift to you Junhoe-ah. I’m letting you go now.” His chest tightened, and it suddenly became hard to breathe. “Happy 3rd Anniversary.”

Judging by how, Junhoe widened his eyes on his last words, he didn’t remember the occasion today. He never really did before so why would he remember it now? “I’m sorry. I wish you the happiness that you can’t find with me.” He already practiced saying it for a thousand times but it doesn’t hurt any less.

Junhoe abruptly yanked his hands on his grip, accidentally throwing the ring away. Jinhwan, a little startled, watched as his ring flew away. The ring that he treasured the most, was carelessly thrown aside.

“What do you mean letting go? Are you breaking up with just that?” Jinhwan snapped out of with that word. He’s done with being the passive one.

“Just that?! You were miserable while you’re with me! And I blamed myself for that! I’m selfish, so I kept you to myself even though I knew that you were unhappy!” He coughed on his hand, but he immediately hid it before Junhoe could interfere. “Can’t you see? We’re just hurting each other by being together!”

“How would you know how I feel? Why would you decide things for me?” Junhoe’s voice sounded weaker, and Jinhwan can’t understand why.

“Because I still saw her picture on your wallet! You still call her name whenever you became so drunk!” Jinhwan was getting hysterical, but the damn gates opened and he can’t stop. He planned on ending this on a good note, hence the dinner and all, but Junhoe was clearly intent on making him feel miserable up until the end.

“And do you know how I knew that she’s back?” It’s getting harder and harder to breathe.  Jinhwan grabbed a chair, trying to find his balance. He won’t stop now, not when he was finally given the chance to let everything out.

“You look happy.” Acknowledging it, hurts him even more. It was like someone was repetitively stabbing him straight right through his heart. “You smile often now. You reply to me when I talk to you. I was so--so happy you know?” Jinhwan blinked, feeling the oncoming tears build up. “I thought you were finally learning to accept me.” The first tear fell, and he hastily wiped it away. He has to be strong. “But then I saw you with her.”

“It’s not what you think. I don’t--”

“You were laughing with her. You were smiling a lot and,” Jinhwan closed his eyes, remembering the scene that he saw across the coffee shop last week. “I never see that look on you whenever you’re with me. You’re so much happier when you’re with her that I don’t even compare.” Jinhwan opened his eyes, and slowly slid down the floor, swatting Junhoe’s hands away when he tried to pick him back up. He doesn’t need Junhoe’s pity.

He doesn’t know how long since he started to cry when Junhoe sat on the floor in front of him. “I’m sorry.” He gently pulled Jinhwan in his arms, continuously whispering apologies. He sounded so far from the Junhoe that he lived with for 3 years.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s my fault.” And with just that, Jinhwan melted, like some goddamn fool still in love. He cried with him, hugging him back just as tight. He forced himself on Junhoe even though he knew that he still loves her. He made a mistake and made them both suffer, but now that she’s back, he’ll do the right thing. “Just go to her okay? Go before I changed my mind.”

“Are you going to be fine?” _No._ “Don’t worry about me.” Jinhwan tried to laugh to assure Junhoe, but he ended up coughing instead. Junhoe rubbed his back up and down soothingly, fussing over him when the coughs shook his entire body. Jinhwan cried some more, wishing that Junhoe was also there inside the bathroom, comforting him whenever he had coughing fits almost every night.

“I just have one favor to ask before you go.”

“Anything for you Jinhwan.” Jinhwan’s coughs died down, but Junhoe’s hand remained a comforting weight on his back.

“Could you say _‘I love you’_ to me?” He felt how Junhoe tensed, and he wondered if he’s going too far. “Say it like you mean it.” Junhoe began to untangle himself from him, but he doesn’t let him. Tonight will be the last night he’ll be selfish. Hearing him say the words he’s been longing to hear for years, might help ease all the pain that he experienced.

“I --” A tear fell on his cheek, and Jinhwan closed his eyes. “I love you.” It’s whispered against his hair; soft, broken, yet sincere at the same time. Junhoe cried, and Jinhwan will try to remember this instead of all the bad memories he’s had so far.

 

They stayed in each other’s embrace, until Jinhwan’s phone rang. It’s Hanbin, so he doesn’t bother to check anymore. He removed Junhoe’s arms around him, and signalled him towards the door. It’s time to go.

“Thank you. Now go to her. I’ll be fine” Jinhwan smiled at him, though unlike his previous smiles, this one is genuine. Junhoe will finally be happy and free. Junhoe helped him sit on their living room sofa, and after a lot of assurances that he’s fine on his own, he finally left.

Jinhwan feels everything all at once now that he’s alone, but thinking of Junhoe’s smile before closing the door, he convinced himself that he made the right choice in giving his present to him.

 

His phone has been ringing nonstop ever since Junhoe left. Jinhwan doesn’t have the energy to press the answer button anymore, body too sore from an intense coughing fit. He stared at the scattered petals and flowers on the floor that was beginning to wither. He stared at the blood that tainted it’s beautiful colors, and he vaguely wondered, if he still had time left. Flowers used to be so beautiful, until it made him realize that he’s unloved.

 

Jinhwan answered the phone, sometime between 2am - 3am.

“Hello Hanbin, I finally said it to him.”

“Jinhwan! Are you fine? Where are you?”

“I’m going to do the surgery. I’m scared Hanbin.” Jinhwan picked up a flower on the floor. Its white color turned pinkish because of his blood. Carnations are his favorites.

“I’ll do the operation. We have to remove the flowers inside your body as soon as possible. You’re dying Jinhwan!”

“Am I going to be fine?”  The urgency in Hanbin’s voice doesn’t go unnoticed. He plucked the petals off the flower;  _To die, To live, To die, To live, To die, To live. To die,_

“I’ll make sure of it.”   _To live._

“Thank you Hanbin-ah.”

 

-

On their 3rd Anniversary, Jinhwan was left in their apartment, surrounded by bloodied flowers he can’t be bothered to clean up anymore. After the surgery, he’ll finally be happy, even if he’ll be devoid of feelings to the man he thought he’ll love forever.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The 18th track on Welcome Back Complete Edition is **Just Go** , which is where I got the inspiration to write this fic.
> 
> H stands for Hanahaki. For those who are not familiar with it, as per Fanlore's definition, it's a fictional disease where the victim coughs up flower/ flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It can be cured when their love was reciprocated, or through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear.
> 
> (enough excuses but i just can't think of a good title rip)
> 
> moved to @jinhwanphobia uwu


End file.
